"The World's Most Drinkable Address" - W. Churchill

Here we are, at the Avenue de Champagne, Epernay, the place Winston was talking about. Of course, I was also reminded of WC Fields "During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on nothing but food and water for several days."

Below the streets of Epernay there are more than 60 miles of tunnels which run all over the place. Each champagne "house" has its own series of tunnels, packed with champagne. We toured a couple of the houses, Moët & Chandon and Mercier.

We went to Moët & Chandon (pronounced, "Mow it and Shadow") first. The house is old and spectacular, the family business dating back to the mid 1700's. The tour started with a short film posing as a documentary which basically assured us that, if we bought Dom Pergnon we might have a chance at dating Scarlett Johansson. I'm not totally clear on why they thought that would be tempting, but that was their main message (or "le message", as they say in France). They also walked us through how champagne is produced. Apparently, there are all of these grapes in the Champagne Region (or "region de Champagne"), which are in the beautiful French countryside on vines. Then, all of sudden, voila!! We have bottles of champagne and Scarlett is squirting champagne bottles all over the place with a big smile and men are wearing tuxedos while women are in lovely gowns. It was "très instructif".

The Mercier Champagne house starts with the mandatory brief silly video ("le video stupide"), extolling the virtues of champagne and why we should buy more to feel a kinship with rich people. They then take you to the ascenseur (or "elevator") which is described by the Epernay Tourism Board as "The panoramic elevator leading to the Mercier vaults is a real attraction all by itself." It's not. It has the silly feel of the Disneyland Animatronic Lincoln without the realism. However, it is the way to get to the cellars, which are fantastic! In Mercier's cellars, you get into an electronic train which takes you on quite a long journey through piles and piles of champagne bottles.

The amount of champagne in these cellars is daunting. Moët & Chandon produces 26 million bottles a year. I didn't count them, but they all seemed to be there. Each tunnel goes forever, turns and then goes forever again. Every thirty or forty feet in the tunnel, there is a side chamber, which is huge in itself and filled to six feet or more, going back twenty to forty feet or more, with bottles of champagne. It brings tears to your eyes and a mild tingling to your liver.

There is one problem you begin to notice as you go on these tours. The combination of moisture and age has brought a great deal of mold to these tunnels. It may be good for cheese, but it is a bit tough on the lungs. You don't notice it at first, but by the end of the day after touring several of these champagne houses, you found yourself coughing quite a bit and your mouth and throat felt like they were a little bit furry and green. I'm not sure how the regular workers take it spending a lot of time down there. Perhaps liberal washings of the throat with champagne will help. We are trying that now.

All and all, we heartily approve of Epernay, its tunnels and all of its bottles!!!